Lifestyle and design

Do you know how to fix humans?

Human hearts replaced by 10,000 RPM artificial pump with no pulse

As we all know, we humans are not perfect. But if we use our imagination for a second and act like we could fix humans things in similar way than with computers? Check out following list found at internet about how to fix humans!

Patch 2.0.1
The “genesis” update

Human hearts replaced by 10,000 RPM artificial pump with no pulseHuman bug fixes and optimizations :

  • Removed wisdom teeth
  • Eliminated appendix
  • Eliminated vestigial body parts like the tailbone
  • Eliminated menstruation’s effects on behaviour and all pain involved, increased sexual appeal during said period with no impact on reproductive capabilities
  • Reduced overall downtime due to resting systems
  • Fixed metabolism rates to uniform average base level for balance
  • Increased efficiency of body fat management system, fixed fat accumulating/not being accumulated past certain safe values
  • Removed motivation-creativity discrepancies
  • Fixed complexity and simplicity in females and males respectively
  • Tweaked body odour
  • Fixed sensory receptors to anticipate attraction with all five senses and removed ambiguity in potential mating signals sent intentionally
  • Increased immuno-efficiency by 100%, patched allergies from being developed against ordinary food items and environmental factors
  • Fixed a critical bug where cells would reproduce uncontrollablly for no reason
  • Fixed security vulnerabilities in all mental states that previously led to sub-par performance
  • Fixed memory leaks and increased memory utilization efficiency of built-in hardware, increasing usage cap from 5% to 99%
  • Increased penis sizes and redistributed lengths for a more balanced battlefield
  • Spawning takes 9 weeks instead of 9 months, reduced pain at spawn time, spawning development period will be fine-tuned in next patch
  • Fixed vulnerability and sensitivity to pain of male genitalia
  • Fixed hiccups
  • Fixed the optical systems becoming dehydrated after prolonged usage, increased resistance to functional disruption by foreign bodies
  • Regulated frequency, size and consistency of feces being passed, slightly increased anus diameter and added more nerve endings 😉
  • Separated food and air intake inlets
  • Improved central and peripheral nervous system integration and response rate
  • Fixed mammaries sagging
  • Added failsafes for common sense in all individuals, fixed blind faith and absolute ignorance
  • Improved linguistic skills and grammar (Sorry)
  • Fixed the funny bone being called hypothetical, fixed instances where individuals spawned without one
  • Increased pleasure derived from and performance during sexual activity
  • Reinforced bone structure and critical joints like the knees and elbows, patched arthritis
  • Improved vision at all stages of day, increased pupil adjust rate
  • Increased lifespan to be a variable increase from 100% to 200%
  • Eliminated unnecessary hair growth, Fixed hair follicles degrading over time

Added features :

  • Introduced regeneration of major and minor body parts and enabled defect corrections post-birth via natural stem cells.
  • Introduced better sensory modules to increase efficiency and eliminated excessive wear and tear with age
  • Added nightvision
  • Added ability to pee standing up in females
  • Added control over erections and ability to abort arousal in five seconds, decreased time to full arousal in females by 50%
  • Increased efficiency of food digestion to minimize waste production and increased energy gains, removed odour from farts
  • Increased base stamina levels
  • Introduced telepathy
  • Increased general flexibility and range of motion (Accidentally eradicated limbo)
  • Introduced improved flirting and communication mechanisms between both genders
  • Added revised spinal cord design to improve bi-pedal functions and reduce chances of critical injury by 95%
  • Added self-diagnostics and early warning systems to better prepare for combatting the onset of diseases
  • Unlocked memory management systems to allow for limited interaction with memory storage and deletion
  • Patched 95% of all fatal diseases taking advantage of loopholes, eliminated lacklustre response to some diseases that bypassed the immune system completely
  • Increased density of muscles for more strength, reinforced tendons and ligaments to compensate
  • Increased distance between genitals and anus to allow for a more “pleasant” experience.
  • Naturally dislocateable shoulder joints allow you to wash/scratch your back and lick your elbows.

What is in your “fix humans” list

Source: Reddit user TheLonelyDevil

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